i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
