He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I will die if light touches me.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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