i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
