I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
