Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
FUCK WHALES
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
