Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
