nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
