just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
