I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
