i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
