She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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