make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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