Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
