in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
