Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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