She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize