i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
