WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
