Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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