Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
