After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I supernannyed him into submission
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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