final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I wish there were birth control emojis
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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