I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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