Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Randomize
