She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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