You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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