thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
