I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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