she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize