He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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