eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
