Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You can't just leave with hair like that
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize