The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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