it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
