I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i love accidental penises.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
