oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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