Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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