A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
