I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
