I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
