in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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