Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
