I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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