I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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