does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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