you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
