You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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