he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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