Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
