Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
