I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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