Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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