Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
