So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize