Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
