I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
