Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
