i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
