Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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