I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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