apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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