I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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